tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207518962024-03-12T20:03:16.050-07:00star wars, cheerios, and coca-colayour life guideOXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comBlogger74125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-15625671971838401942008-08-16T19:36:00.000-07:002008-08-16T19:40:44.999-07:00this is my life in 2005these are the moments i won't regret<br />these are the moments i'll never forget<br />these are the moments when dreams are impossible<br />these are the moments when i make promises unprobable<br /><br />one angel floats away as she starts to die<br />anothering gets a second chance to stay alive<br />february snow piles up to my door<br />as i fall to the kitchen floor<br /><br />these are the moments when i miss you the most<br />these are the moments when he gives me hope<br />these are the moments when my angel is present<br />these are the moments when the other looks down from heaven<br /><br />one angel floats away as she starts to die<br />anothering gets a second chance to stay alive<br />standing there i just can't cry<br />why did my angel have to die?<br /><br />this is my life in 2005.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-41580625027262554152008-07-29T00:12:00.000-07:002008-07-29T00:19:26.788-07:00who are you?the moon is god's middle child.<br />the second one in the bunch out of three things that coexist with us.<br />the sun, the moon, and the earth.<br />the moon only shines because it is cast in the sun's second-hand glow.<br />i can understand why it doesn't shine during the day.<br />it's so ashamed that it doesn't have its own light, so it shines at night.<br />the sun is the perfect child, while the earth is the cherished one.<br />sometimes though, the last born is the worst-case scenario.<br />i was born with a depression that no one seems to notice unless you're extremely close.<br />i don't trust people because i know that they'll just call me psychotic about my ideals.<br />my life is a twisted rope that i can't call life and death.<br />i'm simply going to call it darkness versus avalon.<br />the day my mum died, sure, i cried. but there was this certain sort of solitude that prevented all emotion and expression those seconds after it happened.<br />only toby and i can tell you what it's like to walk out of a room and walk back in to a dead person.<br />the touch of cold dead flesh never seemed so real.<br />the way that the color drifted out, and left a pale corpse in the bed in the hospital.<br />the same hospital i was born in.<br />the same hospital patrick dempsey was born in.<br />the same fucking hospital i've been to for every little fucking problem in my useless pathetic life.<br />that's real life.<br />when you realize, that the same place...the same earth, the same solar system you attended your most happiest and courageous moments, you also attended the moment where you died, and never woke back up.<br />i lied.<br />i fucking lied.<br />i told her she'd live<br />and i lied.<br />i don't deserve to live,<br />anymore than a serial killer.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-61833356747682755932008-06-24T10:36:00.000-07:002008-06-24T11:54:12.145-07:00TJ brought sexy back...but she didn't fix my moodlighting...i'm the kind of kid who wishes for winter in the summer, and summer in the winter.<br />for me, the glass was always empty. never half full, never half empty.<br />i'm not pessimistic, i just don't expect a whole lot of great things in life.<br />i don't expect people to love me. so when they disappoint me, it's no big surprise.<br /><br />but my eyes are set on someone else, so no matter how much of a ponce the rest of the world can be,<br />even those who claim to be so close to me,<br />i can think of him and just shut them up, like razor-blade snaps.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-41512979269313367702008-06-23T20:33:00.000-07:002008-06-23T20:40:11.553-07:00some nights it gets so badtonight my cat is running circles around my face, on the desk, trying to get my attention<br />she makes cries because i'm too interested in writing my own stories to let her out.<br />eventually after i'm done writing whatever the hell this will be to make me feel better, i'll let her wander off in the blackness.<br /><br />the burn on my hand feels like the biggest loneliness i've ever been through.<br />it gets that way when you haven't seen your biggest influence in three fucking years.<br />pardon my french, but i happen to talk like that when i realize how long it has been.<br />sleep through the first year, and suffer the next two.<br />i miss you so much, that my ears are burning from my own whining.<br /><br />i wish god would strike me with lightning, so i can be a lesson to others.<br />don't walk in a thunderstorm, if you're not planning to run when you hear thunder overhead.<br />i never wanted to run. i wanted to be the center of the stage.<br />now, i'm seeing my chances are blowing fumes in my face.<br />how many times am i gonna play the 'when i'm rich' card?<br />i guess you can think that way when you grow up in a small town.<br /><br />this city is trying to be like the rest of america,<br />installing starbucks, and mcdonalds like it's secondhand lions.<br />chain restaurants make me want to hurt myself, because i can't help but think<br />who the fuck gets all the money?<br />and where is it all going?<br />i wish everyone with a fat savings account would spend their money, that way the economy could run like it used to.<br /><br />i have no chance at love, i just figured this out tonight.<br />everyone is too pent up in their own regalness in a race for 'better versus worse', that they can't see caring about each other is not competing over who has the better life story.<br />my heart is in europe, but my stomach is in my throat.<br /><br />i'm counting stars wishing to see your pretty face, even if you don't give two-shits about mine.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-84767150857535908662008-06-22T00:40:00.000-07:002008-06-22T00:44:07.966-07:00as estranged as i normally am, i'm so sure about this...rarely ever am i so convinced of something.<br />though i think god gave me a lucky break tonight.<br />i realized what i wanted in life.<br />there is more appreciation to be had than just wading in shallow waters.<br />soon enough i'll submerge myself, and all my dreams with me.<br />i'll swim forever to greet them.<br /><br />my heart is making plans for a flying machine.<br />one that will fly me to you in an instant and<br />keep me there for hours so i can see you in the best light.<br />blinking dawn.<br />i wanted to appreciated by you as much as you<br />mean to me.<br />as fraid as i am, i've never been more convinced,<br />like i said.<br />same words running through my head.<br /><br />you're in my head.<br />and i doubt i'll ever be able to kick you out.<br />i love your antics, as some of my friends might call them.<br />i love the way you say things and mean them, but also<br />can take a joke and know when sarcasm is a social tool<br />not used for hatred.<br />i've known you in your best light, and i've imagined you in your worst pain.<br /><br />but honey, growing pains can't change us...<br />they only build us stronger.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-38379845002733078402008-06-18T17:09:00.000-07:002008-06-18T17:13:38.513-07:00life without soundthis is life as a house, the windows,<br />the mirror in the bathroom,<br />shadow-panes and weather-vanes,<br />life as a the ceiling and the walls,<br />ivy leaves set bound to fall...<br />crawling up the stains in watermarks,<br />crying out for purple sparks.<br />the crackle, the twist,<br />and every shimmer inside of it.<br /><br />this is life as a broken glass, the cracks,<br />the scores, the shattered shores,<br />it bends and curves, the danger-star...<br />shines and breaks light as evening calls.<br />never seen a brighter sky,<br />except with this broken eye.<br />it screams in fear<br />like rainbow tears.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-2268341993882751262008-06-16T17:01:00.000-07:002008-06-16T17:06:44.478-07:00permutations & combinationsi'm about three-thousand miles over-due for a mind tune-up.<br />three dashes. incredible.<br />backtothepoint.<br />i've never been so lovingly confused.<br />i enjoy my friends, hate my enemies yet love them at the same time.<br />is someone really your enemy because you talk about them?<br />or do you talk about them because you love them so much that you're confused about how to feel.<br /><br />i've always wanted everyone to just want me to be me.<br />i've got people telling me how mature to be.<br />how to tell a joke.<br />'you're not funny'.<br />i'm funny to myself, but i can't get it through my head that that is enough.<br /><br />i'm dependent on people's opinions of me.<br />only because it's the kind of thing i can write about and feel like i've accomplished something after.<br />i'll always just be that kid living down the street.<br />awake and walking by night, and asleep and dreaming by day.<br /><br />i keep seeing myself as someone's role model one day.<br />i tell myself i can't be that person until i learn to just shut out everyone.<br />you're good enough for yourself kid...just you know that.<br /><br />three days and i'm free.<br />summer-work and the cold/heat of it all has got my head turning circles.<br />i've seen people die in the worst way...<br />yet i live for the dying part, because i know something better comes afterward.<br /><br />if that makes me morbid, then christianity is incredibly gothic to this new generation.<br />i was raised on real life.<br />everyone else seems to be living in fairy-tale endings.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-74403232938438909942008-06-14T07:17:00.000-07:002008-06-14T07:21:37.571-07:00i don't want to be your cover story, i just want to be your best friend at nighti woke up to a kind sunlight dashing through the curtains.<br />i heard arguements i didn't care for.<br />life is ticking clocks, and broken bones.<br /><br />everything i stare at and need, everything i hear...<br />you're a million miles away,<br />and a million miles more experienced than me.<br /><br />people don't know what they do for others until they hear a cry, a plea of insanity.<br />"you saved my life, you know,<br />it's sad you almost took yours to get there."<br />i want to take your life in my hands, and keep it safe so i never have to see you in a grave.<br /><br />i'm selfish to the point where i don't want my friends to die<br />"because i'd be lost without you."<br /><br />the cat sleeping on the bookshelf doesn't have to worry.<br />neither do i...<br />but i've got more people to impress.<br />she is natural at this.<br /><br />finding love in maker's mark.<br />the whiskey tastes bad but i'd never leave it for disaster.<br />but i never drink. so it doesn't matter.<br /><br />nothing mattered except to be with you.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-38333132088080892262008-06-13T19:37:00.000-07:002008-06-13T19:42:26.937-07:00is she really a princess?I've been lost the past few weeks, caught up in useless drama.<br />A moth to a yellow flame.<br />Though every once in a while I get to break cycle and see why I love life for what it is.<br /><br />I've been to song-writers hell a few times, and I know the kind of things that could write hits, which end up in movies twenty years later because they convey emotion like no other drug.<br />music is my anesthesia. give me more doctor.<br />like that movie awake, where hayden christensen's character wakes up in the middle of surgery.<br /><br />except that's what life is. someone sawing down into your ribs, cracking them open so they can reveal what's inside and inject it with poison.<br /><br />music is when you finally wake up and you realize you're still alive.<br />somehow, it gets me everytime.<br /><br />i know i can't write for crap, but i try.<br />you don't get people who try anymore.<br />it's 'hand it to me, or sock it to them'<br />i've never seen him in a more gleaming light.<br /><br />if i ever get the chance to stand on a stage and say<br />'here is my soul'<br />it will be my proudest moment<br /><br />the ten year old version of me is locked in a closet somewhere.<br />kicking and screaming because i let the things important to me fade at age thirteen.<br />teenage angst was death and anger for me.<br />i hated god once.<br />but god sent me some angel who wrote with the blood inside my heart.<br />i'm glad they are looking out for me.<br />because i'm always driving down a dead end.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-81776560934206454052008-05-30T19:15:00.000-07:002008-05-30T19:19:27.050-07:00shaded anatomyCompletely syndicated,<br />shave your hair, change your clothes,<br />the situation,<br />is worse than everyone knows,<br />it's vindication,<br />like the blood on the vinyl clearly shows,<br />your hesitation,<br />reads more like the books that nobody knows<br /><br />I want you to tear yourself open,<br />show me your heart.<br />Break it open,<br />and back to the start.<br />Have you lost hope?<br />Are you falling apart?<br />Natural Selection...<br />we're falling apart.<br /><br />I don't believe in letting go.<br />I don't believe in self-control.<br />I don't believe in evolution.<br />I don't believe in criminals.<br /><br />I want you to tear yourself open,<br />show me your heart.<br />Break it open,<br />and back to the start.<br />Have you lost hope?<br />Are you falling apart?<br />Natural Selection...<br />we're falling apart.<br /><br />Nobody is who they want to be.<br />It's all syndication,<br />yes you and me.<br />Ever-breathing, ever-dancing...<br />running out of second chances.<br /><br />I want you to tear yourself open,<br />show me your heart.<br />Break it open,<br />and back to the start.<br />Have you lost hope?<br />Are you falling apart?<br />Natural Selection...<br />we're falling apart.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-6621525230010753232008-05-17T01:14:00.005-07:002008-05-17T01:14:52.355-07:00ms. silent ambitionrarely do i get tongue-tied turbulence of the brain,so severe it could crash planes,but he is the only reason for the color of the season,and i'm blinking out tears of not being able to see him,my dreams in one hand,my priorities in another...so small to the world,to be lost without a mother, made to be the loser,and fighting not to be smothered.i had a dream i had success,but there were unbearable pains not to be addressed,and the feeling of warm blood on my soul,shines the pursuit of happiness filled with bulletholes,my dreams in one hand,my priorities in another...so small to the world,to be lost without a mother, made to be the loser,and fighting not to be smothered.if you had just one thing to say to me,would you say you believed in me, infinitely?my dreams in one hand,my priorities in another...so small to the world,to be lost without a mother, made to be the loser,and fighting not to be smothered.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-74183191909403441922008-05-17T01:14:00.003-07:002008-05-17T01:14:40.647-07:00to crash planesust lay backthe visionarywishing the comfort of the suncould never die downand the wan look in her eyesis enough to explain a journeyone covered in black-starsand supercilious liesbright lightsin a clouded roomdead skinburning whiteat the sight of the groomhe never keeps his hands to himselfand she never has the courage to tell him the truth"she never loved him"but she always didcradled hearts and blood on the floori was watching from the back roomwith a book in my handi couldn't stop myself from thinking"she'd be better off dead"bright lightsin a clouded roomdead skinburning whiteat the sight of the groomhe never keeps his hands to himselfand she never has the courage to tell him the truthand i stare at the streetsthinking "am i alive?"watching myself make mistakesthinking "am i alive?"OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-52271595224562770502008-05-17T01:14:00.001-07:002008-05-17T01:14:10.564-07:00what if i met you today?He had these mood-ring eyesin my daydream skieswith doctors pricking my hearti never had such a wonderful starthe told me "love is ever-changing"and it changed me for the betterI was never fond of technologyso instead i had the heart to write him a letter"Lemon-Drops from the cloudy sunand merry men of shrinking bandswho could ever play this song?There isn't much morethan the love for this man."These carousel eyes of mineare dull, rusted, and without shineKept my head underwaterSo I couldn't envision the thought of"forever alone, it's not so lonely"but I'm afraid of no one and onlyno being caught in the timesand it may be true,as i'm running out of rhymes."Lemon-Drops from the cloudy sunand merry men of shrinking bandswho could ever play this song?There isn't much morethan the love for this man."and he will never see me,as i'm such a small company."Lemon-Drops from the cloudy sunand merry men of shrinking bandswho could ever play this song?There isn't much morethan the love for this man."OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-67616754887055164422008-05-17T01:13:00.001-07:002008-05-17T01:13:52.415-07:00Dear Cliche, You Can Not Comfort Methey always said the good die youngwell she wasn't dead before she was goneshe lost it all to the ones she lovedand they never threw a line back in returncaught in between the living and the deceasedpressing roses into bible page creaseswhat have you left her withshe is looking for love beyond a simple kissnever go to bed when you're angryyou may not wake up to be happyyou stutter when you find you're foundwhen your enemies can push you to the groundthe hollow minute comes when you're mystifiedthe good are never ever guaranteed to be found"Dear Cliche, you can not comfort me..."she wasn't sure of the ending to a perfect storynever-ending left her not to worryshe didn't have a pit when there was a sequelbut no one ever understood the plot leaving unwellthere is a spell resting on her headthere is another man in the back on her bedshe never kept too close and she didn't believeshe didn't believe that love could be such a reliefnever go to bed when you're angryyou may not wake up to be happyyou stutter when you find you're foundwhen your enemies can push you to the groundthe hollow minute comes when you're mystifiedthe good are never ever guaranteed to be found"Dear Cliche, you can not comfort me..."the light broke the night and shattered the skiesit opened the flowers and tore open her eyesand she found that love was there the whole timeclosed behind the house and the shading blindsnever go to bed when you're angryyou may not wake up to be happyyou stutter when you find you're foundwhen your enemies can push you to the groundthe hollow minute comes when you're mystifiedthe good are never ever guaranteed to be found"Dear Cliche, you can not comfort me..."OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-83244033429606141762008-05-17T01:12:00.000-07:002008-05-17T01:13:26.018-07:00No Title Can Express ThisI saw that crow, sitting on his treeHe didn't understand what he meant to meHe didn't know the things I wished to seeHe'll never know a human heart as it beatsI saw that rose, dying in the fallIt didn't know me when I couldn't crawlIt didn't know the things I did to stallIt didn't know any of me at all...Only to break out of cycleFeel a rippling through the waterIt cracks the silenceThis is for those who shall never falterSwimming through reliefI saw that crescent moon start to cryShe didn't know when I would dieShe didn't know my black liesShe didn't know my imperfection and my eyesOnly to break out of cycleFeel a rippling through the waterIt cracks the silenceThis is for those who shall never falterSwimming through reliefI see my damagesI see the damage I've doneIt doesn't make me betterIt doesn't mean I've won...I'm only learning how to growHow to kiss the golden sun.Only to break out of cycleFeel a rippling through the waterIt cracks the silenceThis is for those who shall never falterSwimming through relief.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-79192808136247552002008-01-13T10:06:00.000-08:002008-01-13T10:13:29.602-08:00color methere is ice hanging from eyes undivided.<br />i've seen them faded more than once.<br />they stare at her with a glazed vision.<br />but it's not relative.<br />there are lights that define the wicked.<br />and they're pulling me closer.<br />bring me some of that unkindly demise,<br />for i am finding this dramatic ensemble a little thick.<br />you were never there to ever care,<br />so why the angry expressions?<br />i've done what's right by my eyes.<br />there are flaws gently placed in each,<br />for they wait to awake.<br />but their actions fold over,<br />and they are lost to their brooding.<br />i would never have thought a cunning creature such as you,<br />would be the untimely death of a good thing.<br />and now, to sleep, for you have gone and said...<br />and your mistakes will forever color me.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-16830105680445095682008-01-13T00:05:00.001-08:002008-01-13T00:05:57.715-08:00OOOOHbright colors.<br />awshum.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-53283284299391593462007-12-22T20:21:00.000-08:002007-12-22T20:28:30.526-08:00i choose you...I know it's a little early to be discussing valentines...but I'm gonna tell you I choose the broken hearts. I'd love it if every day people celebrated the love they have for one another, instead of saving it for one day. I'd love to see people saved. I've love to not see a gun in anyone's face. Things happen. I've changed a lot in three years. And three days after Valentines day will mark my chart ever more. Maybe that's why I brought it up. A lady once said to me, it's better to have lost than to have not won at all. I wasn't sure what she meant. I think I understand a little better. A person can't go through life without losses. Whether it was a loved one, or simply time and time again the hope we, the broken, have to go on. On our journey of life, we lose a lot. It's better to have lost loved ones and hope, to have given up and killed yourself all together. To not win at all.<br /><br />I used to be a shy girl. I don't know why. Something about meeting people made me hide behind my mother in desperation. In a way...I see her passing now as her pushing my lazy ass out to shake someone's hand. Hello Future, I'm the motherless daughter. Would you like some tea? <em>Give me anything.</em> It's kind of sappy of me to say...but you know just as well as I do it could very well be true.<br /><br />I'm craving a tea tonight. Some sweet syrup that might remind me of delicious delights which I long missed. I remember being a 9 year old. My siblings and I would play baseball in the grass. We'd play soccer. And when the lawn hadn't been mowed, we'd hide ourselves in it.<br /><br /><br />i need that unmowed lawn for my emotions.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-56553273195729045782007-11-17T21:49:00.000-08:002007-11-17T21:58:03.743-08:00It's not my fight...Sitting here with an empty piece of craft, I stare into it. For once within was a stirring of Canadian Vanilla Maple Decaf Tea, and it quenched my desires. But now, it only holds a spoon and an empty tan ring to which is slowly drying. This is mostly how I've come to feel inside. Empty, with crusted edges. Some say this is the feeling you get from death. I imagine that much is relative. It feels like death has again landed on my shoulders, though it has only been betrayal. And I feel like I'm in denial. Why? I don't want to believe my friends could be nothing more than my enemies. They've used me to boost their ego, because they knew I was only that much of good natured. I only care to see others healed, for them I did. Now, I feel like I can trust no one. I fear that I can trust only myself, and those who I know will never betray me. Will I trust again? Wilst I heat up the kettle full of water, and drop another teabag into that cup, I'm starting to see there is hope. Maybe the craft can once again be filled. It was never empty, it was just in denial. You can probably imagine this as a strange metaphor, of course, for myself. The craft being myself, and the tea being my heart. Hm, if only my heart tasted just as sweet. But I guess that's what you recieve when you rip someone else's guts out, sheer satisfaction, as you would from downing a cup of steaming tea, or even coffee. My fingers are down to frozen bone and muscle, for I fear someone has already cut enough skin from my body to expose that I am just as weak as everyone else. Someone who you thought was strong, turns to fall just as you would. It's troubling, I know, since I was once the fallen man. Can I get back up again? We'll see. Just like we will see how well the tea fills the craft, just as we see the lord's work everyday. Most people miss it. I wonder if this is simply a message. One in which these friends were only a factor, and I was never really filled, but now, with their betrayal, I can finally wake up from my dull universe, and shake off the skeletons that tried to hold me down.<br /><br />We'll see. Just as the Sun greets us by day, I'll be the Moon fighting shadows at night.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-64015342930745828072007-11-08T12:38:00.000-08:002007-11-08T12:43:17.391-08:00then you go and cut me down...but wait...I've been thinking a lot lately.<br />Throwing my faith out at nothing.<br />Nothing I want to get involved in.<br />This isn't MY project, it's hers.<br />I need to find my own.<br />Someone else to try and save.<br />Someone that will cherish me and not stab me in the back.<br />It's hard though, because there is no silver guarantee card to come with it.<br />Sorry girl, but I can't waste time helping you.<br />You don't like me as a friend. I can see this.<br />I'm just another broken record on your waiting list.<br />So do me a favor, forget about me as I forget about you.<br />You're not a friend to me, no more.<br />Notice me. For once.<br /><br />But I'm not getting better.<br />I'll get worse.<br />Let this progress, even as I digress.<br />But I'm always failing.<br />I can't walk without faith,<br />and without wings, I feel smaller.<br />I'm losing hope, and grace,<br />ever second that I waste.<br />And I'm still waiting for him.<br />That one soul to depart me.<br />Will he? Before I can stop the nature of this matter?<br />I want to keep warm in his skin.<br />But I'm freezing forever more in the waters of my hell.<br />I'm drowning.<br /><br /><br /><em>You lied, Well, I'm still waiting...</em>OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-30578192310357655042007-08-24T22:04:00.000-07:002007-08-24T22:21:35.772-07:00it's time to get [it] out...What freedom am I standing for? Freedom to believe? What exactly do I believe in? I believe in a higher power, yes, of course, but I also used to believe I <em>was</em> something. Now I feel like nothing at all. I realized most of my life I have only accomplished some things by actually channeling the pain from my past into hurting other people. It's true, my mother died when I was thirteen. I have never directly said this in this blog, so technically this really can't be called a run-on for pity. Because it's not. I'm not asking for anyone's pity. I think all my life, all I have been asking for is someone to just listen to me, to hear what I have to say. Let's start from the beginning.<br /><br />I was born in the 90's. A place where in childhood, you could care less about really having everything, you were more concerned about you and your friends playing with the new nintendo games you got for your birthday, or actually catching a new episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and collecting all of your X-Men before anyone else, so that you had the rights to call yourself the ultimate fan. Ultimate X, as they might have called it. For some reason, it was always cool to wear whatever your parents gave you, instead of choosing for yourself.<br /><br />Eventually that all changed. As we shifted into the new millenium, I began to see that, our parents no longer had choice in what we wore. Instead we all developed - or followed the latest - fashion. We no longer were able to watch the stuff we used to, because all the channels set up for a new era. Something WE didn't like because it was different. Well, now I can see, the only reason I haven't been able to accept the new stuff, is because I was afraid of change. I was superstitious to believe that if silly little things like TV shows actually never aired anymore, that I wouldn't belong on this Earth. I realize now that all this Earthly possession, was climbing on me, and I became the exact opposite of what I never knew. I became greed. I wanted to keep things for myself, that were meant to pass on to others.<br /><br />Now, when I turned thirteen, I knew desire, and I knew the result of desire, I knew hell's flame was thicker than acid, and it burned a lot more. But I didn't know I was about to lose the most important thing I could ever imagine. I was about to lose the only person who ever really believed in me. Of course, I think she believed more in me than I deserved, thinking my visions actually meant something, in the end they almost didn't come full circle, but that's for another moment. My only support in this world left me behind to find myself. She didn't do it on purpose, because I know she'd rather be strapped to a bed for the rest of her life, than watch me all alone on this Earth. But she is gone. She trusted me with the thought that I could see the future of her and a friend. I was afraid I wasn't that person. But, she recognized a gift I never believed in. I was able to talk to that higher power, and through him I had an energy that eventually gave me the exact image she had been holding in her mind.<br /><br />In the end, I think they did become friends again, because after her death, that friend finally received every memorably letter that my mother had ever written to her, yet never sent because she was so afraid. I didn't know what that fear was, but I think I know understand. I'm not sure if she believed in herself enough to take action for the one thing she truly desired, to have her one true friend back. Now, I feel like I need to be the one who puts everything I'm afraid of - being that so many people's opinions of me...and how black-heart I have become - behind, and take the stand she couldn't. Believe in myself. It's going to be hard, but it doesn't require being the best trash talker, it doesn't require looking tough, it doesn't even require looking cool. It's deciding what I want, and what I'm going to do to get it. It requires being myself and no other.<br /><br />and that's what I'm going to do.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-1166136591543852542006-12-14T14:44:00.000-08:002008-01-13T00:06:23.119-08:00dead seasonit i find the desire to have a taste, let it dissolve away.<br />finding new paths through empty and worn down roads is a pasttime.<br />keeping my mind on track of what i am trying to say is hard when you<br />distract me.<br />self discovery vs. self awareness.<br />i'm not ready to discover love, and am not aware of how quickly it can fail.<br />if you could only see the blackness in these veins, it'd be all you need.<br />call me vain.<br />i hold myself high in some aspects, like how i treat my friends, but if you asked them what is my biggest flaw, it is not believing in myself.<br />i'm.not.alone.<br />you sit there too in the corner of this dark century.<br />unloved, and broken skinned.<br />seal the wounds with a touch of the remote.<br />can we really make it through the last scene?<br />my eyes are the reason i'm such a good actress. they distract you away from what i really think.<br />i think you need to lay down.<br />take a break, come back when you know what you're looking for.<br />here she is, wishing the stars were out to burn.<br />that way the night would be so much warmer.<br />it's dripping down the edge of the bottle.<br />watching dreams fall through.<br /><br />sing me a lullaby so that death might just be a little easier to stand. i want you there when i'm gone, so you can see me with my palest face.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-1165647429335828832006-12-08T22:54:00.000-08:002006-12-08T22:57:09.346-08:00shy away from any kind of change...they leave it alone.<br />fifteen years and it's been forever.<br />rock swing left us with a few songs to sing.<br />punk rock killed us from the beginning.<br />we're working on rewriting lies we kept from each other.<br />just don't be expecting anything nice and tastey coming up from the ash.<br /><br /><br />it all tastes like overdone toast.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-1165547681177612672006-12-07T19:12:00.000-08:002008-01-13T00:06:49.610-08:00POSSUM?!the first time it falls is so exciting.<br />the white crystals of joy shimmy down.<br />the sky is a hazy phase of blue ice.<br />the streets are slick to signify how<br />shaky we first start out.<br />But soon we're skating over water...<br />you and I...maybe someday it will not be<br />just a small fanatic dream.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20751896.post-1164856654135015652006-11-29T19:14:00.000-08:002006-11-29T19:17:34.153-08:00sometimes i wish i had the ability...take it back, please.<br />all the lies you told <br />to sympathize with me.<br />you said it all, and <br />made me believe, that<br />you cared. but jee...<br />i guess that was the <br />teen spirit talking.<br />a family of seven down<br />to four...that includes<br />you dad, ben and the door.<br /><br />'sometimes i wish i had the ability to read your mind, to find out what you want, so in the future i don't screw up your day by getting you the wrong sweatshirt...'<br /><br />i'm endlessly your slave<br />with absolutely no praise<br />to pray for.OXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15034104924523885829noreply@blogger.com