Friday, August 24, 2007

it's time to get [it] out...

What freedom am I standing for? Freedom to believe? What exactly do I believe in? I believe in a higher power, yes, of course, but I also used to believe I was something. Now I feel like nothing at all. I realized most of my life I have only accomplished some things by actually channeling the pain from my past into hurting other people. It's true, my mother died when I was thirteen. I have never directly said this in this blog, so technically this really can't be called a run-on for pity. Because it's not. I'm not asking for anyone's pity. I think all my life, all I have been asking for is someone to just listen to me, to hear what I have to say. Let's start from the beginning.

I was born in the 90's. A place where in childhood, you could care less about really having everything, you were more concerned about you and your friends playing with the new nintendo games you got for your birthday, or actually catching a new episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and collecting all of your X-Men before anyone else, so that you had the rights to call yourself the ultimate fan. Ultimate X, as they might have called it. For some reason, it was always cool to wear whatever your parents gave you, instead of choosing for yourself.

Eventually that all changed. As we shifted into the new millenium, I began to see that, our parents no longer had choice in what we wore. Instead we all developed - or followed the latest - fashion. We no longer were able to watch the stuff we used to, because all the channels set up for a new era. Something WE didn't like because it was different. Well, now I can see, the only reason I haven't been able to accept the new stuff, is because I was afraid of change. I was superstitious to believe that if silly little things like TV shows actually never aired anymore, that I wouldn't belong on this Earth. I realize now that all this Earthly possession, was climbing on me, and I became the exact opposite of what I never knew. I became greed. I wanted to keep things for myself, that were meant to pass on to others.

Now, when I turned thirteen, I knew desire, and I knew the result of desire, I knew hell's flame was thicker than acid, and it burned a lot more. But I didn't know I was about to lose the most important thing I could ever imagine. I was about to lose the only person who ever really believed in me. Of course, I think she believed more in me than I deserved, thinking my visions actually meant something, in the end they almost didn't come full circle, but that's for another moment. My only support in this world left me behind to find myself. She didn't do it on purpose, because I know she'd rather be strapped to a bed for the rest of her life, than watch me all alone on this Earth. But she is gone. She trusted me with the thought that I could see the future of her and a friend. I was afraid I wasn't that person. But, she recognized a gift I never believed in. I was able to talk to that higher power, and through him I had an energy that eventually gave me the exact image she had been holding in her mind.

In the end, I think they did become friends again, because after her death, that friend finally received every memorably letter that my mother had ever written to her, yet never sent because she was so afraid. I didn't know what that fear was, but I think I know understand. I'm not sure if she believed in herself enough to take action for the one thing she truly desired, to have her one true friend back. Now, I feel like I need to be the one who puts everything I'm afraid of - being that so many people's opinions of me...and how black-heart I have become - behind, and take the stand she couldn't. Believe in myself. It's going to be hard, but it doesn't require being the best trash talker, it doesn't require looking tough, it doesn't even require looking cool. It's deciding what I want, and what I'm going to do to get it. It requires being myself and no other.

and that's what I'm going to do.