this is my life in 2005

these are the moments i won't regret
these are the moments i'll never forget
these are the moments when dreams are impossible
these are the moments when i make promises unprobable

one angel floats away as she starts to die
anothering gets a second chance to stay alive
february snow piles up to my door
as i fall to the kitchen floor

these are the moments when i miss you the most
these are the moments when he gives me hope
these are the moments when my angel is present
these are the moments when the other looks down from heaven

one angel floats away as she starts to die
anothering gets a second chance to stay alive
standing there i just can't cry
why did my angel have to die?

this is my life in 2005.

who are you?

the moon is god's middle child.
the second one in the bunch out of three things that coexist with us.
the sun, the moon, and the earth.
the moon only shines because it is cast in the sun's second-hand glow.
i can understand why it doesn't shine during the day.
it's so ashamed that it doesn't have its own light, so it shines at night.
the sun is the perfect child, while the earth is the cherished one.
sometimes though, the last born is the worst-case scenario.
i was born with a depression that no one seems to notice unless you're extremely close.
i don't trust people because i know that they'll just call me psychotic about my ideals.
my life is a twisted rope that i can't call life and death.
i'm simply going to call it darkness versus avalon.
the day my mum died, sure, i cried. but there was this certain sort of solitude that prevented all emotion and expression those seconds after it happened.
only toby and i can tell you what it's like to walk out of a room and walk back in to a dead person.
the touch of cold dead flesh never seemed so real.
the way that the color drifted out, and left a pale corpse in the bed in the hospital.
the same hospital i was born in.
the same hospital patrick dempsey was born in.
the same fucking hospital i've been to for every little fucking problem in my useless pathetic life.
that's real life.
when you realize, that the same place...the same earth, the same solar system you attended your most happiest and courageous moments, you also attended the moment where you died, and never woke back up.
i lied.
i fucking lied.
i told her she'd live
and i lied.
i don't deserve to live,
anymore than a serial killer.

TJ brought sexy back...but she didn't fix my moodlighting...

i'm the kind of kid who wishes for winter in the summer, and summer in the winter.
for me, the glass was always empty. never half full, never half empty.
i'm not pessimistic, i just don't expect a whole lot of great things in life.
i don't expect people to love me. so when they disappoint me, it's no big surprise.

but my eyes are set on someone else, so no matter how much of a ponce the rest of the world can be,
even those who claim to be so close to me,
i can think of him and just shut them up, like razor-blade snaps.

some nights it gets so bad

tonight my cat is running circles around my face, on the desk, trying to get my attention
she makes cries because i'm too interested in writing my own stories to let her out.
eventually after i'm done writing whatever the hell this will be to make me feel better, i'll let her wander off in the blackness.

the burn on my hand feels like the biggest loneliness i've ever been through.
it gets that way when you haven't seen your biggest influence in three fucking years.
pardon my french, but i happen to talk like that when i realize how long it has been.
sleep through the first year, and suffer the next two.
i miss you so much, that my ears are burning from my own whining.

i wish god would strike me with lightning, so i can be a lesson to others.
don't walk in a thunderstorm, if you're not planning to run when you hear thunder overhead.
i never wanted to run. i wanted to be the center of the stage.
now, i'm seeing my chances are blowing fumes in my face.
how many times am i gonna play the 'when i'm rich' card?
i guess you can think that way when you grow up in a small town.

this city is trying to be like the rest of america,
installing starbucks, and mcdonalds like it's secondhand lions.
chain restaurants make me want to hurt myself, because i can't help but think
who the fuck gets all the money?
and where is it all going?
i wish everyone with a fat savings account would spend their money, that way the economy could run like it used to.

i have no chance at love, i just figured this out tonight.
everyone is too pent up in their own regalness in a race for 'better versus worse', that they can't see caring about each other is not competing over who has the better life story.
my heart is in europe, but my stomach is in my throat.

i'm counting stars wishing to see your pretty face, even if you don't give two-shits about mine.

as estranged as i normally am, i'm so sure about this...

rarely ever am i so convinced of something.
though i think god gave me a lucky break tonight.
i realized what i wanted in life.
there is more appreciation to be had than just wading in shallow waters.
soon enough i'll submerge myself, and all my dreams with me.
i'll swim forever to greet them.

my heart is making plans for a flying machine.
one that will fly me to you in an instant and
keep me there for hours so i can see you in the best light.
blinking dawn.
i wanted to appreciated by you as much as you
mean to me.
as fraid as i am, i've never been more convinced,
like i said.
same words running through my head.

you're in my head.
and i doubt i'll ever be able to kick you out.
i love your antics, as some of my friends might call them.
i love the way you say things and mean them, but also
can take a joke and know when sarcasm is a social tool
not used for hatred.
i've known you in your best light, and i've imagined you in your worst pain.

but honey, growing pains can't change us...
they only build us stronger.

life without sound

this is life as a house, the windows,
the mirror in the bathroom,
shadow-panes and weather-vanes,
life as a the ceiling and the walls,
ivy leaves set bound to fall...
crawling up the stains in watermarks,
crying out for purple sparks.
the crackle, the twist,
and every shimmer inside of it.

this is life as a broken glass, the cracks,
the scores, the shattered shores,
it bends and curves, the danger-star...
shines and breaks light as evening calls.
never seen a brighter sky,
except with this broken eye.
it screams in fear
like rainbow tears.

permutations & combinations

i'm about three-thousand miles over-due for a mind tune-up.
three dashes. incredible.
backtothepoint.
i've never been so lovingly confused.
i enjoy my friends, hate my enemies yet love them at the same time.
is someone really your enemy because you talk about them?
or do you talk about them because you love them so much that you're confused about how to feel.

i've always wanted everyone to just want me to be me.
i've got people telling me how mature to be.
how to tell a joke.
'you're not funny'.
i'm funny to myself, but i can't get it through my head that that is enough.

i'm dependent on people's opinions of me.
only because it's the kind of thing i can write about and feel like i've accomplished something after.
i'll always just be that kid living down the street.
awake and walking by night, and asleep and dreaming by day.

i keep seeing myself as someone's role model one day.
i tell myself i can't be that person until i learn to just shut out everyone.
you're good enough for yourself kid...just you know that.

three days and i'm free.
summer-work and the cold/heat of it all has got my head turning circles.
i've seen people die in the worst way...
yet i live for the dying part, because i know something better comes afterward.

if that makes me morbid, then christianity is incredibly gothic to this new generation.
i was raised on real life.
everyone else seems to be living in fairy-tale endings.